Sunday, March 8, 2015


For the past couple months attendance to Sunday morning football practice at MS has grown to about 50-60 children. Of those about 30-40 come from Jamalpur. I've written about the children there, many of whom form the backbone of our program. There is something special in the water in Jamalpur; these kids have huge hearts full of genuine determination. And talent to match the heart. They are sincerely committed to having fun and growing with the game of football.

As the group has grown large they have self-adapted their transportation to practice. Jamalpur is quite far from MS, a 30-min drive if traffic is light. Bus for all of those kids would be too expensive. So Dasarath and some of the other older players have arranged a tempo to carry all of them together every week. They rent the tempo from a local in the slum for Rs.500, and cover the petrol. It gets them all there together and on time.

It is a serious cram to get all of those kids in, but they happily do it. They wake up at 6am and cram in the morning; after an exhausting 4-5 hour practice, tired and sweaty, they still pile into that tempo, standing in one spot for 30 min as Dasarath weaves through traffic to take them back.. All with smiles on their faces. It amazes me to think that despite facing the inconveniences for travel, they keep showing up week after week. That's dedication and a love for the game.

Sunday, January 25, 2015


Earlier this month I attended the Kabir Festival in Mumbai. It has been going on for five years, Sachi has been involved as an organizer for some time. I have been recently been accelerating into planet Kabir. The seeds were planted many years ago when Prahaladji and Shabnam visited the Bay Area and they performed at Berkeley. Later the Sarvodaya Stanford group hosted Shabnamji and screened one of her films. At that time I was still distant from Kabir and what his poetry was all about.

More recently I got the Kabir Saamigri made by Reenaben and started appreciating the wisdom of the dohas. Then in Pune Sheetal told me about how Kabir became a voice during the Bhav Yatra and played and translated a few songs. She told me about Vipul who accompanied her on the Yatra, and just a couple weeks later I heard him and Shabnam perform a satsang in Ahmedabad that Nimo invited me to. I started listening to Vipul's music as well as more bhajans from the Samigri.

By the time I attended the festival this month my heart was open and excited for Kabir. The event has a great back-story. It started five years ago by the community of Kabir artists around India, anchored by the Kabir Project. It is this amazing loose network of singers, poets, performers and researchers, young and old, mainstream and traditional, all connected by the power of and love for Kabir. The festival grew in popularity and attracted patrons from around the world. A couple years ago it even had large corporate sponsors that wanted to take it to the next level. However the Kabir community decided that it wasn't in the spirit of Kabir to go commercial, so it went back to a grassroots, decentralized model. This year, it was completely put together by non-profits and individual volunteers.

The event was setup like the Kabir Olympics. For four days, performances were organized across Bombay in different venues. Mostly parks, public stages, and open amphitheaters. Different artists performed at various venues. Often performances happened simultaneously, so an incredible energy developed back-channel online as folks traded clips and quotes on What's App from the different performances.

On Thursday night Sachi took me and Aunty to the event in Jogeshwari. The first performance was by Ankit Chadha, who is a Kabir storyteller. With no props, Ankit just gets on stage and tells wisdom stories of and by Kabir. He is a pure performer, able to completely captivate the audience through his animated style. I didn't understand 75% of what he was saying, but I was just mesmerized by his presence and polished quality of his performance. I appreciated the high level of his art, even if I didn't understand it. One line I loved, which for me captures Kabir in a nutshell, was "Kabir sirf ek shaayar nahi, Kabir ek aashiq hai" ("Kabir isn't just a poet, he is a lover"). My favorite moment of the festival was during his performance. The event was in a working-class Hindu-Muslim mixed community. The show was on a stage that was literally on a busy roadside. It was a narrow lane lined with eclectic shops and food stalls and tons of traffic: cars, animals, people on bikes. It was a totally messy chaotic space, and carved out of nowhere rises this modern majestic stage. To the immediate left of the stage is a mosque; to the right is the beginning of the Hindu community. So we were literally right on the loud bustling border. Now imagine a completely packed crowd in front of this stage, on the side of this road, seated and behind them standing, hundreds of people huddled into a human amphitheater. And all are just transfixed on this storyteller in all-white Muslim garb kneeling simply and weaving tales with his bright hand gestures and booming projecting voice. In the middle of one of his stories the amzaan (Muslim prayer) starts from a nearby mosque. Ankit hears the chanting and just stops his story. He just sits, for nearly eight minutes, in silence, as the prayer completes. Meanwhile the entire crowd is pin drop silent, being held by Ankit's wide shining eyes. He's just up there rocking gently, calmly, waiting for the prayer to complete. No one says a word for the entire period, all you can hear is the honking traffic. Once the prayer ends someone from the crowd shouts to him, "You were talking about the two matkaas", reminding him where he left off the story. And off he goes, completely seamlessly. There are performers, and then there are artists. It takes an artist  with deep integrity to hold a crowd like that.

The next performance was by Neeraj Arya, who I later learned was one of Ravi's kids. I had no idea what I was about to hear, so when I started to listen to his "Kabir Rock", I was blown away. A guitar, mandolin, violin, and percussion. A braided skinny brown Raegae-looking dude, again with an incredible ability to captivate an audience based almost purely on eye contact and stage presence. At the beginning of their set there was some technical troubles with the sound, Neeraj puts his guitar down mid-song, walks into the crowd, listens with stillness for a few beats, and then goes over to the sound engineer and has him tune levels. All with poise, confidence, and calmness. The audience didn't flinch.

What I love about Kabir is that his message and poetry is highly relevant even hundreds of years later, so that young rock musicians can add their flavor to it and re-interpret it freshly. And so flexible, that someone like Prahaladji and someone like Neeraj can be part of the same community of musicians and respect each other's art. The next day I spent a couple hours watching Neeraj and Kabir Cafe videos on youtube, settling on my favorite song (above). I also learned about Neeraj's humble journey, sleeping on the streets during the first Kabir fest because he couldn't afford a place to stay, now featured on Dewarists and MTV. I'm the kind of music fan that needs to feel connected to the musician's journey to really get into the music; now that I'm a fan of Neeraj I can't wait to enjoy his music next time I catch him perform.

The next night we went to the Brahmakumari park performance. Yash and I got stuck in heavy traffic and caught the end of Prahaladji's performance, which was fine since I had seen him before. It was just enough stage-setting for the next performers, who gave probably the most moving live music performance of my life. This was Vedanth and Bhindu, two classically trained singers who collaborate on Kabir music. Together with a third singer Shruthi, they did an hour set that moved me to tears. Their voices were just too much for me, it was pure joy to hear their voices harmonize and soar. Hearing their music really opened up my heart, I was emotionally overwhelmed. After the performance I told Bhindu how I had no words, only tears. She seemed to understand and was appreciative. The next day I purchased their album, hoping that the songs they performed that night were in it (one of them was, though nothing like the live performance). I'm a bit hesitant to listen, their voices are so soulful and although I don't understand a damn word, the music seems to carry a power that I fear over-exposure to.

In any case, I am thankful for Kabir and look forward to attending the entire festival next year. Such a unique collection of such high-quality high-integrity performers making soul-touching music.

Words make you think. Music makes you feel. A song makes you feel a thought.

- E.Y. Harburg -

Sunday, January 18, 2015


(L-R): Dasarth, Neil, Mayur
Mayur is the Blue Stars' captain, and one of the team's best players. He has been on the team for over two years, anchoring the group of boys that come from Jamalpur. He has always had above average athletic ability, but over time he has also grown as a leader. I remember when we first gave him the title "captain", he thought it gave him a mandate to order people around and make fun of them, like he was the leader of a gang. I told him what it actually is about is taking care and getting the best out of every last player on your team, both on and off the field. It's about putting your own personal accolades and goals aside in deference to the team and your teammates. Since then he has really taken that up. He is the most vocal players on the field, and is one of the few players that has completely flipped the script from negative complaints to positive encouragement ("well done!", "good defense!") during play.

For the past couple years, Mayur has had a dream to play at Kahaani, the largest youth soccer club in Ahmedabad. Recently, he came to the coaches saying he had gotten the support of his parents to join Kahaani. They had committed to paying the registration to whatever extent they could. They wanted Mayur to excel at the sport he loved. We emphasized that the most important aspect was his commitment; he would be representing our entire program, so he should be ready to stick to it, including getting to every practice regularly and playing in every game. Mayur was determined. I spoke with Manishaben who runs Kahaani, she invited Mayur to their practice the following week for a try-out. The coaches would work with him and determine what team he would be best suited to play with. Mayur literally couldn't wait, it was something he had dreamed about for years.

I met Mayur at the practice from the office at 6pm. He had come from Jamalpur by bike with Dasrath, one of our big brother players. Mayur had asked Dasrath to accompany him that day since he wasn't 100% sure of the way. Although the ride would take an hour, Dasarth put his school reading aside and they left at 3pm because Mayur was so excited and wanted to make sure he wasn't late. They arrived at the field at 4:30pm and waited an hour and a half for practice to start. Just incredible passion and desire.

The first practice went well. The coaches asked Mayur to join the "open" team of 16-25 year olds so he would play to his actual age group. They would practice every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday evenings at 6:30pm. Mayur would ride his bike the hour both ways for the practice. The first week of practice was a dream come true for Mayur. During the second practice he scored a goal during scrimmage. He was so thrilled, he told Rahulbhai who was over the moon and told everyone that Mayur's next stop is the Indian national team. During our next Sunday practice Mayur ran up to me and gave me a big hug and thank you. He had gotten along splendidly with the coaches and players, he felt totally accepted and part of the team. One of the players even told him that he would support his registration, even if his parents weren't able to.

Watching him practice that evening at Kahaani, I was so happy for him and proud that one of our players had taken their game to the next level. He may not make it all the way to the national team, but I would put his determination, heart, and love for the game up against anyone.

Saturday, December 20, 2014


Some notes and memorable moments from my recent trip to Kutch with Jayeshbhai, Nimo, Sheetal, Madhu, Bhaskar, and Malay. 

The Rann of Kutch, also known as the White Desert, was unlike anything I had laid eyes on in my life. A totally unique visual experience. We walked out to the middle of the desert at night and then the next morning. You are walking on wet slushy white salt. You can eat the “sand” and it is pure salt. It cakes your chapals and you have to kick it off from time to time. Otherwise as Jayeshbhai said, your chapals start feeling like kilos of weight.

Rann Utsav is a yearly desert festival where people come from around the world to live in tents, roam the desert, ride camels and horses, and enjoy local cultural music, dance, and food. It started as a 3-day festival but with help from Gujarat Tourism and determination of the local community, it grew to 15 days, then one month, and is now a 3-month marquee tourist event with Amitabh Bachchan as the spokesman. The tourist experience is top-notch; the tent cities are massive and an engineering marvel to bring running water and electricity to the white desert. The tents themselves are very luxurious, with tiled bathrooms, wooden floors, high ceiling living rooms with sofas, ACs, and super-cozy beds with fresh sheets and soft pillows. You hardly remember you’re out in a desert.

The first day we had a lovely and memorable welcome to Bhuj by Sushmadidi, Sandeepbhai, and the rest of the Abhiyan/Sahjeevan ecosystem. Sushmadidi and Sandeepbhai have helped build an MS-like community in Kutch with many organizations doing genuine work. We were welcomed MBL Retreat-style and had a heart circle. Nimo shared a story about a conversation he had with his dad to explain simply and clearly what he does and why he doesn’t have a traditional career. If he got a job, he would work hard for his boss or company, and in exchange get a paycheck. The beneficiary of his hard work is his boss and company. If instead he serves society, he works just as hard, if not harder, but the fruits of the work benefit all of society. For that, the “paycheck”, comes from the community, which he accepts with humility and trust.

It was a pleasure spending one-on-one time with Bhaskar. He is such a delightful chap. His passion for wildlife photography is inspiring. He shared a memorable story of how he was preparing his portfolio for an application, and wasn’t getting satisfactory shots. There was an opportunity to go to a far off place where a friend recommended he would get some good ones. He was determined to get the right shots, even after several outings, so though it was far he thought he would try to go. He went in the night to the station looking to catch a bus to the remote location. People told him there was no bus going there, but there would be one the next morning. Should he wait or come back the next morning on a random tip? Reluctantly, he went home half giving up. But he couldn’t sleep, so he got up at 4am to go back to the bus station. Still no bus. But someone suggested he could just take his motorcycle and go. So he rode 6 hours to the location and took some shots deep in the woods. Unfortunately he didn’t let anyone know he was going and he had no phone reception, so when he came back late that night he had tons of worried family and friends mad at him for taking off like that. The story shows his passion for his craft and his friends and family love for him.

We met many memorable people on the trip. Anandiben was there to initiate Rann Utsav, and gave speeches to the local community. In an event celebrating a sanitation project which built 1000 toilets in a village cluster, she talked about all the yojnas (“schemes”) the GOI was enacting to help villages. Many were around upliftment and empowerment of women, which I thought was notable and bold given the area was majority conservative Muslim families. Even at the speech itself, the males took up the left and center aisles, the covered women sat to the far right slightly back. One yojna is for 33% of the police force to be female. Another was for women to have free health care, the logic being mothers always sacrifice their own personal health to keep savings for the children. They put their own health as a lower priority. I thought it was interesting that such a scheme rests on an assumption that is beyond debate in Indian culture, but would probably never make it in a country like the US where the sacrifice and trust and respect of mothers isn’t as universal.

Another interesting person we met was Mia Hussein, the sarpanch of Dorodo Gaam where Rann Utsav is mainly held. He is an enterprising cat, having built up the tourism industry from scratch. He had an office with framed photos of him with Modi, Anandiben, Amitabh, and other celebrities. He has brought schools, hospitals, and tourism to his village, certainly all signs of “development”. He has also got a bank to open up a branch, not just an ATM, in his village, and has wifi access throughout. He is a charismatic guy, Jayeshbhai called him “Radhay of Dorodo” (“Heart of Dorodo”).

We met Ashishbhai, a young “Gram Shilpi” graduate from Vidyapith. He has committed to move to a village and serve for his *entire* life. One village, his whole life. He moved his wife out there, and just had a young child. Ashish chose to serve in Ludiya, but faced challenges being a Hindu in a majority Muslim area. He has received terrorist threats, but is determined to find his service path. He is very brave and inspiring to me on many levels. He shared some fun facts about rural Internet use: folks use What’s App like crazy, they call it “Workshop”. Mostly for photo sharing, as they use Facebook. The other main use of the Internet is pornography. This casts a whole different shade to the perceived noble goal of Internet connectivity to every village in India.
Mehmoodbhai is another friend of Jayeshbhai. He lives in Dorodo, and is a very highly regarded award-winning musician and artist. He is a massive guy but like many village folk has a warm, delicate, gentle manner. We visited his humble home and sat with him and his goats, where he sang us some folk songs. His voice is so sweet and innocent, it was lovely to be in his presence. Seeing him together with Jayeshbhai was very sweet, they have such a loving and light bond based purely on joyful heart connection.

Speaking of Jayeshbhai, he was the MVP of the trip. At the risk of piling on hero worship, I want to record some of the things I observed about him as we spent a few days together. He is very observant, especially sensitive to moments of beauty. We were in the car in deep conversation and he stopped to point out a distant flock of birds where one was white while the others were dark. Another time we were driving by a rest stop where a couple busloads of uniform-clad school girls were drinking water. He saw one plastic cup blowing in the sand as we drove by at full speed. He had the car stop to pick it up and engage with the girls in a teachable moment.

He moves effortlessly between social activists to powerful politicians to business moguls to village folks. He is absolutely the same simple loving soul in all contexts. He is totally comfortable in his own skin, and doesn't pander to anyone. However powerful or famous, he introduces all seven of us with each of our back-stories as if we are the dignitaries. His conversations acknowledge the darkness but are mainly concerned with the light, the good in each human being; highlighting each of their higher selves. Inevitably, the person melts and smiles warmly; “Jayeshbhai, anything for you”.

During one meeting with villagers who were disputing the government over wild land being turned over for tourism and development, during a tense moment he shared from the heart. He asked everyone to be in silence, then offered personal stories to respond less with head and more with heart. I was especially touched when he emotionally shared how this vistaar of Kutch was very special to him as he spent a year doing rehabilitation after the earthquake. The experience changed his life and gave him an opportunity for service, for which he is forever connected and indebted to this land and its people. He was careful to acknowledge not the logical arguments, but the glint in the eye and determination of the farmers who were telling their stories.

It was a treasure of a trip.  Thanks to the Boyz for the memories.

Friday, November 7, 2014

Clever Ball Catching and Ravi's Leap

Last week we had Sunday morning football practice in Jamalpur. The players from that slum continue to anchor the MS football program, being amongst our most talented and committed. Recently they have nurtured a girls team to start learning the game as well. The leader of the girls team, Sonal, was a bad apple before, getting into trouble and bullying kids. But after embracing football, she has left all the gambling and gangsterism, even going back to school as a 16-year-old learning to read with the 5th graders. She and her family attribute football as the catalyst. Now her parents want her to make a name for the family as a football star.

Now that there is a girls team as well, we went to Jamalpur to practice rather than making the 40 kids all travel to the ashram. There were two stories from the practice that I wanted to record.

The Jamalpur kids play in a dumping ground next to a riverbank. Once in a while a ball bounces over the wall and into the river. They have an ingenious method to retrieve the balls. They keep a gunny sack filled with heavy rocks on the side. When a ball splashes in, they immediately spring into action. One person runs and drags out the rocks. Then they start throwing them around the ball to get the ripples to move the ball to the near-side bank. They keep doing this until the ball trickles to a break in the embankment where they can reach down and scoop up the ball. They've even created a scooper made out of an old bag and rope that they throw in to scoop up the ball from afar. I love how they stay prepared with the rocks and how they used a local materials for an effective solution.

The other story is about Ravi, one of our veteran players. Ravi is one of the sweetest kids on the team. He is quiet but confident. He is very responsible; he looks after the other kids and always helps with managing the equipment and setting up drills. This past Diwali his family was in a tough financial situation. They had no money to celebrate Diwali, where typically all family members get presents. The Jamalpur football players are very close; they are like brothers and remind me of the Goonies. They all knew Ravi was not going to get any presents, so they all pooled their own gift money together. They raised Rs.1000 and bought Ravi new clothes. This is no small amount and in my book no small act of generosity. I told the children that this is the real meaning of team. Team isn't just about passing the ball to each other on the field. It's having each other's back in life. I couldn't have been more proud.

During this practice Ravi was on fire. He's developed into our top two or three players in the program. He scored about 4 really exceptional goals. One was an upper-V rocket, another was a great header off of a throw-in where he got good position and caught it high and strong, a couple other speed plays. After one of the goals he scored and ran back to his side in celebration. He yelped and his hands were outstretched. He leaped high in the air, kicked his feat out, tossed back his head, and landed into the arms of a teammate screaming. It was a leap of joy, pure joy. It was breath-taking. Just writing about it right now, I can see it in my mind's eye and it brings tears to my eyes. I wish more than anything that I could have captured that goofy glorious jump for joy.

Football is a simple game. It's basically a ball and some open space. But with that bit of nothing, a child going through very tough times can experience unbridled joy. What strength and resilience and dignity these kids have. It's so inspiring to me.

This was, in a nutshell, why I love these kids and feel blessed to have them in my life.

Monday, September 29, 2014


Narendra Modi's birthday was a couple weeks back. I knew this because it was also the week that the president of China, Xi Jinping, visited India for business/diplomacy. The plan was to celebrate with the China team in Ahmedabad, where Modi's team greeted and took them around the city.

To prepare, Ahmedabad was cleaned up in a big way. Hundreds of AMC workers in neon bibs showed up on the streets daily for a week up to the event, sweeping and cleaning. Way more AMC guys than I'd ever seen before, they just seemed to come out of the woodwork. It wasn't clear whether they were the regular AMC cleanup team that has never shown up for the job, or whether they had brought in extra dudes. Potholes got filled, driving and walking lanes got painted, plants lined the streets. Tons of fun and cheesy signs welcoming the President were put up everywhere, I loved the two hands where the one for Anandiben was clearly a man's hand:

The cleanup work only happened along the planned route that the China + India contingent would take during their visit. This is an old trick that Modi and now Anandiben uses: they drive around Ahmedabad, and wherever they go things get fixed as people opportunistically save their jobs. I always thought it would make sense to send fake CM vehicles around the city constantly.  It was clear that this was an effort to make a good impression on Xi and China, to show off Ahmedabad as an example of "India Shining". And in true India Shining fashion, a shiny veneer was sufficient.

I was going to just let this pass as an amusing event, but the day before the visit I noticed a new level to the "cleanup". AMC rolled out miles of a green tarp material along the roads, basically putting a curtain over any unseemly sights. This included the Tekra, the slum area next to my house:

I felt outraged by the tarp, it's why I decided to write this post. It's one thing to create a facade by cleaning up some pre-selected streets, but to delete people and their homes from the view? Isn't the Tekra the most real thing Xi could see about India? I felt upset about it mostly because of the psychological damage I supposed it would have on Tekra residents. If I were them, I would be pissed that Modi is embarrassed about the way I live and would rather pretend that I don't exist. Even the whole idea of strategic cleanup, what message does that subtly send to your people? Maybe Modi figured that since this is basically what China does with foreign visitors, they would expect the same treatment? I wasn't sure if locals were as upset as I was about this, maybe I was over-reacting?

On the day of the visit, I got stuck in Vadaj where they had blocked traffic for an hour to let the Modi and China teams pass through. This is a typical occurrence. Even when the CM drives through the Ahmedabad streets, they close everything off kilometers in all directions. In front of our apartment on Ashram Road, they had kids in their school uniforms standing at arms length apart alternating China and India flags. I thought it was pretty lame, and some of the kids were passing out standing in the heat for hours:

I wonder whether Modi chose to have the China team land in Ahmedabad rather than Delhi because it would be easier (or the only possible way) to have this level of control over the environment. In one sense, you can't blame him and it's what you'd want if you were an Indian citizen. But the whole thing felt inauthentic and contrived. Politics.

Thursday, September 25, 2014


I am stressed out. Stress has been building up in my life seriously in the last year, but I was in denial about it until just recently. Since I diagnosed myself as suffering from stress it has gotten me to reflect quite a bit on it. Stress plays out for a person in two ways, physically and mentally.


Physical Stress

Starting about a year ago I started experiencing upper back and neck pain. It would most noticeably appear during meditation and in the mornings when I woke up. I initially interpreted it narrowly as being due to those activities; around the same time as the pain showed up I had stepped up to two hours a day of meditation, so perhaps the pain was due to the additional sitting. Also I was not feeling comfortable on my bed, the mattress was sitting uneven against the metal rail base, perhaps I wasn't getting proper back support at night. Anji had suggested that I was stressed, but I told her I didn't feel stressed and I don't get stressed. It was an ego thing.

My theory of a purely physical problem continued to be my truth until a few weeks ago. I was sitting in meditation and it suddenly hit me that the back pain had a mental component. Almost immediately the acknowledgement of that reality changed the physical manifestation of the stress. I no longer felt stiff back waking up in the mornings (so it wasn't the bed). I started feeling the back and neck pain during both morning and evening meditation (before it was just evening, which was consistent with my theory that it was due to extra sitting). After the aha moment I felt quite silly. For some reason I had spent a year telling myself that this pain was qualitatively different from the sensations I observe all the time in meditation. It wasn't a sankara, it was a purely physical condition due to my bed being screwed up. Acknowledging the mental component of my stress immediately changed the nature of it.


Mental Stress

Since the aha moment I have been observing the mental side of my stress. I read up on why/how mental stress manifests physically. Essentially mental stress causes the muscles in your neck and back to involuntarily contract. That repeated contraction closes and even damages blood vessels in that area and restricts blood flow. The pain is due to lack of blood flow because your muscles are not relaxed.

After I realized my stress was mental, it was easy to pinpoint the real cause. Work has been tremendously busy in the last year and especially in the last 6 months. All the cliches of getting buried by your startup showed up in a big way. Every day is jam packed, back to back to back meeting or task or unexpected issue with hardly a free moment to take a breath. There are two areas of the company that I have been taking on additional burden, fundraising and dealing with fundamental technical issues. Both have presented what at times feels like insurmountable challenges, and since I'm the only one that can do them, I feel alone on an island with them. Our telephony systems have been churning from one disaster to another for a year and it has taken a massive effort to keep things from blowing up. We recently added SMS alerts when lines need to be watched or restarted. It is a huge stress looking at your phone and seeing the 15 times the system has generated a fault. These alerts even come in the middle of the night, I've gotten scared of keeping my phone on. With fundraising, negotiation is a grueling process which is time consuming and mentally draining. In particular I find working with legal documents so difficult, you are scrutinizing every sentence to try to decode someone's intention. You feel defensive and threatened and scarce.

In the mornings, I frequently wake up anxious as my mind turns onto the million things I need to accomplish that day. I am constantly thinking about things to do, even when I sit. I can't turn off my mind from thinking about work. Multitasking, sometimes in the mornings I feel numbness in my face as I try to do email while debugging while helping Aartiben prepare food. I feel overwhelmed. Sometimes I'm at work doing something that requires deep concentration like debugging, but I'm rushing to get it done because the whole time I'm nervous that someone or something is going to interrupt me and take my attention away. Every day I feel like I'm racing against the clock to finish the day's work. One of the major sources of stress and anxiety is that I always feel that there isn't enough time. It makes every decision heavy and deliberate and burdensome. I feel like I'm walking up a mountain trail that keeps getting steeper and steeper. Things seem to keep piling up on top of itself, and no matter how fast I work the pile keeps growing.

Compounding the stress is a feeling of lonliness. When there's the tallest pile of shit on me, I feel the most alone. During those times I feel most seperated from my friends and family.


Coping With Stress

I felt like the last month or so I've suffered a lot mentally dealing with the challenges at work. It has taken a toll on me mentally and physically. I've picked up a few things along the way to help me cope. The fundamental breakthrough was acknowledging that I was stressed, that changed the nature of it from a mysterious physical phenomena to a mental dynamic that I have to see myself through.

I was super inspired by this talk by David Brooks on depth of character. He argues that a life chasing after happiness is ultimately shallow. The mark we should be aiming for is beyond happiness, it's depth or holiness. Among the ways to cultivate depth of character is to suffer and to struggle internally. People often name times of adversity, not times of joy, as turning points in life. The times where you really had to dig deep and discover what you are made of. Those times come in the midst of intense suffering. So embrace suffering as a teacher and an opportunity to build depth. There's no way around, you have to go through.

Awakin gatherings have been great group therapy for me. The last several circles I've shared about my stress. The other week I shared that there are a few simple things I realized help with my stress. First was to breathe. I observed that the times I felt anxiety set in, my breathing turned shallow. So I started deliberately taking deep breaths during those times to get the oxygen flowing and it has helped tremendously. Second was to listen to music, especially light and uplifting stuff. I have gotten away from music recently because it messes with my meditation, choosing instead to listen to podcasts when I'm at the gym or classical when I'm at work. But the other day I happened to put on Sid Sriram while on the treadmill and just hearing his voice took me to another place. It was so uplifting, it made me feel human after a long time. I realized that part of the stress comes from feeling mechanical, listening to talking heads and having no spontaneity. Music introduces freshness and humanness and brought me back from feeling like a robot. The last tip I shared was to recognize small victories. I realized that when we are facing technical problems at work, when even a small thing goes right, it feels like a huge weight has been lifted. Makes me feel like it's just a matter of turning the corner and things will be better.

At another Awakin Prakash shared something that stayed with me, a lesson he learned from a spiritual teacher: when we feel tension, that is a signal that the ego is strong in us. We are tense because we feel that we are the Doer. In reality we are all just instruments of the Law of Nature.

The one time in my routine where I still feel totally free of symptoms of stress is when I'm pumping iron at the gym. My back pain melts away, I'm not dealing with anyone, I'm doing something I love and is good for me, I can take my mind off of everything. It's my last refuge.

I know what I need to do to continue to deal with my stress. I am burned out, I need to get away and unplug and untangle. I need to get more help at work and directly tackle the big problems.

I look forward to reading this post years or even months from now when I probably won't be able to relate at all to what I'm going through in the moment. Knowing the impermanence of this experience doesn't make the suffering go away, but it helps detach and put it in perspective.